A joke for your ASSES

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Tim"
"Tim who?"
"Tim Allen"

This one's a party favorite. Everybody knows Tim Allen is a joke, but making his career's fate into one of teh knock-knock variety pwns

Are my dreams trying to tell me something?

So, last night I stayed over at my girlfriends house and got maybe an hour and a half of sleep, total.
I kept having these crazy, recurring dreams when I could fall asleep. They were very vivid. Like, I noticed every single detail, and don't want to bore you with every little detail I can remember.

Dream 1: I was in the bed of this white pickup truck (Like, a newer-model F250), driving down a rural route of sorts. It was summer. I was wearing cutoff-jeans-shorts, and a blue wifebeater. I was very hot, and I was sitting on the wheel-hub thing. The back window of the truck was very tinted and I couldn't see who was driving me. We were going at a calm pace, then out of nowhere, the driver just started ripping at like 80 mph. We almost crashed into this rusty, faded blue chevy S10 that was coming the other way. It swiped us and pinched my hand between the beds of the two trucks. When we drove past, I was like "Fuck you, asshole!" and looked at the truck, and there was this hillbilly wearing the same stuff I was, drinking a can of Budweiser beer, sitting in the bed. The truck had the word "EVIL" spray-painted across the side of it. My hand was uninjured, by the way. We accelerated towards this hill (we were still on the dirt road), and just accelerated over the top of it. We got airborne, and I looked down and saw the word "EVIL" scratched into the sand, and there was a pentagram beside it. We totally cleared the hill, and landed on flat ground. I was jostled about, but I didn't fall out or even come close to it. We continued driving really fast and blew through a stop sign, and came to a highway. We darted out onto it and crashed into this oil tanker truck. I was uninjured, but the truck was mangled. This motorcyclist drove into the bed of the truck I was in, and flew off his bike and skidded along the ground, bleeding and getting all mangled 'N SHIT. Then this dude in an SS uniform just dropped out of the sky and landed on the highway in front of me. People stopped their cars, got out, and jumped through their windshields and bled everywhere, and tried to drown themselves in their own blood. My sight zoomed out to a birds-eye view of the highway, and there was this pile of bodies on the road. All the gore, entrails, blood, etc. spelled "EVIL".

I had this same dream, like, ten times. Then I had this other dream.

Dream 2: I was parachuting down the slope of this forested mountain, with someone who was my friend in my dream but not in real life. He appeared to be Aryan. He was wearing one of those fuzzy hats that pilots in war movies wear, and aviator-type goggles. He had black leather gloves. He was parachuting about 50 feet ahead of me, and asked me if I brought my "save card". I said yes, because I didn't want to look like a n00b in front of my cool friend. He's like "Okay, then. If you have your save card, let's go for it!" and unstrapped his parachute. He started falling towards the forested mountain, and when he was about 100 feet above the ground, he shot brown web things out of his hands, and grabbed onto the tops of the evergreen trees that coated the mountainside. They latched onto a tree, slowing his fall, and he fell to the ground gracefully and waved at me. I unhinged my parachute and fell towards the ground, and regretted not having my "save card". Right before I hit I would wake up.

I had this dream about three times.

Dream 3: I then had dream #2, up to the point where I was falling towards the trees. I guess I remembered my "save card" this time, and used my brown web-things to slow my fall so I reached the ground safe. I don't know where my German pilot-friend went. There was this log cabin in front of me when I landed, and I went inside. There was a computer, and an angelic, female voice told me to "insert save card". So, I took out my "save card", which looked like a Playstation memory card or something, and inserted it into the appropriate-sized opening, and a menu came up on the screen. There were four boxes, and they were each labeled with the tag "Option", and then the number pertaining to the order in which they appeared on the screen. I touched the screen where it said "option 1", and then it showed the motorcyclist crashing into my truck from dream #1. Then it was like an A&E Biography type deal, there was photos and interviews with various people from his life, and it was all narrated. It seemed like it was about an hour long. Then it showed the image of the word "EVIL" spelled in blood and human entrails on the highway, and just kind of faded into blackness. I took my "save card" out of the computer, put it in my pocket, and exited the log cabin. My skydiver-friend-thing was laying on the ground, all mangled and bloody under his parachute, and I unclipped his parachute from his body and proceeded to rummage about the forest for a shovel. I found one, and I went back to my friends body so I could bury him, but all that was left was his parachute and hat. There was a piece of duct tape holding all the strings of the parachute together and on the duct tape was written "EVIL". Then I saw myself flying from the sky and hitting the ground near my comrades parachute.

Then I woke up.

Friggin' weird. :/

They DEFINITELY eat seeds and nuts.

Yesterday, my kameraden and I were discussing what types of food guys in black metal bands would eat. We decided that they would eat meat, poultry, and eggs. They would eat vegetables, but not fish or seafood. They DEFINITELY eat seeds and nuts. And trail mix. Because when you spend as much time in t3h forest as they do, you've GOT to have protein in a little sandwich baggie.
If they drink coffee, they drink it black (for obvious reasons).
I think they would eat toast with jam, but something tells me they don't like peanut butter.
If they live at home, they get their moms to do their dishes.
If they don't, they probably eat off of styrofoam plates and use disposable plastic cutlery because they don't want to do dishes.

Lulz.

My five-year-old sister was telling me about the paint she used to paint this rock.
"It's poisonous, Justin."
"Oh, yeah? And what happens when it poisons you?"
"You fall asleep for ten years... And have very bad dreams. And when you wake up after ten years you turn into a bed. Or if you're in a bed when you wake up, you turn into a livingroom, and people sit on you and fart on you and babies pee on you and stuff."

Sore rectum!11

April 16, 2008 04:30pm

SURGEONS at a Philippines hospital are being probed after they allegedly filmed an operation in which a man had a spray can removed from his backside, then posted the footage on YouTube.
The video, which was taken down from the popular video-sharing website after several weeks, showed dozens of people in the operating theatre laughing and jeering as the surgeons removed the canister from the man's bottom, Deutsche-Presse Agentur reported.
The surgery was carried out at Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Centre in Cebu City, 585km south of Manila.
Hospital spokesman Emmanuel Gines said the 39-year-old patient would get an apology for the incident on January 3, which was being investigated.
The video was initially thought to be a hoax until the victim went to the media this week.
The man, a florist, said he ended up with the spray can inside him after insulting his partner's penis size.

http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,23549494-5006301,00.html

Hallowe'en pt. 3 (I get around some more)

After walking home to retrieve another squirrel carcass, and subsequently mutilating its body, we walked around our 'hood for no reason in particular. We came across some young trick-or-treaters, and Tyler shoved the mutilated squirrel at them. All but one ran. We asked the child if he knew what we had, and he said matter-of-factly: "Dead squirrel."
We continued down a main street, where we saw wiggers on the other side of the road. After exchanging stare-downs (which I won, 'cause I'm the king of stare-downs), one of the wiggers said "i'm a nigger!".
I was like "nice costume" or something to the effect, and Tyler was severely offended by this characters blatant disregard of care for whiteness.
After exchanging some shouts, this old dude (maybe 30, 35ish?) runs up to us (MACHs up to us, morelike) to, presumably, defend the wiggers. He was all hassling us, saying shit like "There's little fucking kids out tonight!" and I'm like "What's your point? There's TONS of little kids out, it's Hallowe'en, moron!" and he started getting in my face.
His wife and child were behind him and the wifes like "Leave it be, honey". Tyler pushed the guy and said "mind your own fucking business" so the guy started getting in his face. He looked like he was reaching up to push him or something so I rapped him upon the knuckles with the broomstick or nightstick or whichever one I was holding at the time. I informed him he wanted none of this, and that we wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass and embarrass him in front of his wife and kid.
This whole time, the wifes like "get inside, honey! Hurry up! Come on, you're gonna get hurt!" and stuff. So, we started walking away because the old guy took heed to his wifes words, and then he fuckin' splashed some Gibson's on us from this 26er he was carrying.
I was all "yeah, waste all your fucking liquor you fucking moron" and Tyler turned around and threw the mutilated squirrel at the guy. We continued walking away, and the guy fuckin' threw his 26er at me, which hit me in the elbow, then went inside his house.

Hallowe'en pt. 2 (I get around)

After the incident involving those REALLY tough guys, we proceeded to our local park/walking trail/recreational area to carve and fillet the squirrel corpse for future vandal-a-tory [sic] purposes. I shan't take undue credit - Tyler did 90% of the carving and, I believe, all of the faux-rotted-carcass-licking-picture-poses. So, after taking some pictures of the deed, with mutilated carcass in hand, we marched towards the YMCA. Tyler proceeded to smear the carcass's purtid, offal juices on one or more vehicles, before leaving the squirrel (with visible brain-matter, exposed leg-bones, autopsy-gored abdominal cavity, and nearly-severed head) pinned against the back window of this green Voyager by the wiper-blades.