My five-year-old sister was telling me about the paint she used to paint this rock.
"It's poisonous, Justin."
"Oh, yeah? And what happens when it poisons you?"
"You fall asleep for ten years... And have very bad dreams. And when you wake up after ten years you turn into a bed. Or if you're in a bed when you wake up, you turn into a livingroom, and people sit on you and fart on you and babies pee on you and stuff."
Sore rectum!11
April 16, 2008 04:30pm
SURGEONS at a Philippines hospital are being probed after they allegedly filmed an operation in which a man had a spray can removed from his backside, then posted the footage on YouTube.
The video, which was taken down from the popular video-sharing website after several weeks, showed dozens of people in the operating theatre laughing and jeering as the surgeons removed the canister from the man's bottom, Deutsche-Presse Agentur reported.
The surgery was carried out at Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Centre in Cebu City, 585km south of Manila.
Hospital spokesman Emmanuel Gines said the 39-year-old patient would get an apology for the incident on January 3, which was being investigated.
The video was initially thought to be a hoax until the victim went to the media this week.
The man, a florist, said he ended up with the spray can inside him after insulting his partner's penis size.
http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,23549494-5006301,00.html
SURGEONS at a Philippines hospital are being probed after they allegedly filmed an operation in which a man had a spray can removed from his backside, then posted the footage on YouTube.
The video, which was taken down from the popular video-sharing website after several weeks, showed dozens of people in the operating theatre laughing and jeering as the surgeons removed the canister from the man's bottom, Deutsche-Presse Agentur reported.
The surgery was carried out at Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Centre in Cebu City, 585km south of Manila.
Hospital spokesman Emmanuel Gines said the 39-year-old patient would get an apology for the incident on January 3, which was being investigated.
The video was initially thought to be a hoax until the victim went to the media this week.
The man, a florist, said he ended up with the spray can inside him after insulting his partner's penis size.
http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,23549494-5006301,00.html
Hallowe'en pt. 3 (I get around some more)
After walking home to retrieve another squirrel carcass, and subsequently mutilating its body, we walked around our 'hood for no reason in particular. We came across some young trick-or-treaters, and Tyler shoved the mutilated squirrel at them. All but one ran. We asked the child if he knew what we had, and he said matter-of-factly: "Dead squirrel."
We continued down a main street, where we saw wiggers on the other side of the road. After exchanging stare-downs (which I won, 'cause I'm the king of stare-downs), one of the wiggers said "i'm a nigger!".
I was like "nice costume" or something to the effect, and Tyler was severely offended by this characters blatant disregard of care for whiteness.
After exchanging some shouts, this old dude (maybe 30, 35ish?) runs up to us (MACHs up to us, morelike) to, presumably, defend the wiggers. He was all hassling us, saying shit like "There's little fucking kids out tonight!" and I'm like "What's your point? There's TONS of little kids out, it's Hallowe'en, moron!" and he started getting in my face.
His wife and child were behind him and the wifes like "Leave it be, honey". Tyler pushed the guy and said "mind your own fucking business" so the guy started getting in his face. He looked like he was reaching up to push him or something so I rapped him upon the knuckles with the broomstick or nightstick or whichever one I was holding at the time. I informed him he wanted none of this, and that we wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass and embarrass him in front of his wife and kid.
This whole time, the wifes like "get inside, honey! Hurry up! Come on, you're gonna get hurt!" and stuff. So, we started walking away because the old guy took heed to his wifes words, and then he fuckin' splashed some Gibson's on us from this 26er he was carrying.
I was all "yeah, waste all your fucking liquor you fucking moron" and Tyler turned around and threw the mutilated squirrel at the guy. We continued walking away, and the guy fuckin' threw his 26er at me, which hit me in the elbow, then went inside his house.
We continued down a main street, where we saw wiggers on the other side of the road. After exchanging stare-downs (which I won, 'cause I'm the king of stare-downs), one of the wiggers said "i'm a nigger!".
I was like "nice costume" or something to the effect, and Tyler was severely offended by this characters blatant disregard of care for whiteness.
After exchanging some shouts, this old dude (maybe 30, 35ish?) runs up to us (MACHs up to us, morelike) to, presumably, defend the wiggers. He was all hassling us, saying shit like "There's little fucking kids out tonight!" and I'm like "What's your point? There's TONS of little kids out, it's Hallowe'en, moron!" and he started getting in my face.
His wife and child were behind him and the wifes like "Leave it be, honey". Tyler pushed the guy and said "mind your own fucking business" so the guy started getting in his face. He looked like he was reaching up to push him or something so I rapped him upon the knuckles with the broomstick or nightstick or whichever one I was holding at the time. I informed him he wanted none of this, and that we wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass and embarrass him in front of his wife and kid.
This whole time, the wifes like "get inside, honey! Hurry up! Come on, you're gonna get hurt!" and stuff. So, we started walking away because the old guy took heed to his wifes words, and then he fuckin' splashed some Gibson's on us from this 26er he was carrying.
I was all "yeah, waste all your fucking liquor you fucking moron" and Tyler turned around and threw the mutilated squirrel at the guy. We continued walking away, and the guy fuckin' threw his 26er at me, which hit me in the elbow, then went inside his house.
Hallowe'en pt. 2 (I get around)
After the incident involving those REALLY tough guys, we proceeded to our local park/walking trail/recreational area to carve and fillet the squirrel corpse for future vandal-a-tory [sic] purposes. I shan't take undue credit - Tyler did 90% of the carving and, I believe, all of the faux-rotted-carcass-licking-picture-poses. So, after taking some pictures of the deed, with mutilated carcass in hand, we marched towards the YMCA. Tyler proceeded to smear the carcass's purtid, offal juices on one or more vehicles, before leaving the squirrel (with visible brain-matter, exposed leg-bones, autopsy-gored abdominal cavity, and nearly-severed head) pinned against the back window of this green Voyager by the wiper-blades.
Hallowe'en pt. 1
This past Hallowe'en, Tyler and I dressed up as Alex and Dim from "A Clockwork Orange" and caused havoc.
I'll post pictures when I come across them. Or maybe not, if I can't.
Anyhow.
The previous weeks were spent collecting various animal (primarily squirrel) carcasses, and hiding them in the backyard in plastic bags (to prevent theft of our carcasses by other animals) for weeks, for the purpose of putrefaction, further collection, and mayhem-causing. One bagged squirrel-corpse was missing. But there was a fresh, un-decomposed one in it's place.
Whatever.
So, Tyler grabbed the bagged one and we set out on our first adventure.
Our goal was to just cause a bit of pointless mayhem and minor vandalism.
Tyler was equipped with a broom-handle, and I with an extendable (aluminum?) police-grade nightstick.
When we were stepping out of our driveway onto the sidewalk, this group of kids was walking towards us. Now me, always having to win sidewalk wars, didn't move for them. I pushed into one and I guess he had a problem with it.
Here's the kids "names" and their descriptions:
Guns - a blond-haired kid who thought he was big, who in reality, probably was bigger than me
Showboat - a four-eyed cretin with a propensity to boast
Fatty - a fat kid
Coolio - a kid who minded his own business
Girl - some girl who was with them
I'll recount the following exchange in play-form.
Keep in mind that I'm talking with a harsh British accent this whole time.
Guns: What the fuck is your problem, man?
Me: Whatwhat, you want some of this, chap?
Guns: Yeah, let's go!
Me: *extends nightstick* rightright!
Guns: Nevermind, that's probably real!
Me: You could bet your bottom dollar on it. You want none of this, I assure you!
Showboat: He would probably wreck you in a second, anyways.
Me: Oh, you'd wreck me, would you now, guns?
Guns: No, man, I don't want to fight you.
Me: What about you there, showboat, bragging and whatnot? You fancy yourself sommat strong, do you?
Showboat: What? No, not me, man, I'm a pussy!
Fatty: I'll fight you!
Tyler: Hold on, I gotta try to film this!
Coolio: How the fuck do you make the video function work on this thing, man?
Me: Let's have a go, then, fatty! *throws nightstick on ground*
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me*
Me: Step the fuck back, champ! *pushes fatty back*
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me again*
Me: Instead of trying to kiss me, why not hit me or something of the sort? *pushes fatty back*
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me again*
Me: Seems to me you've had a little too much of the forty-percent, best not to have a row in your state, rightright?
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me again*
Me: *pushes fatty back, fatty stumbles and loses his footing*
GunsORShowboatOrFatty (I can't remember which)
"Let's just go, guys. "
Me: *picks up nightstick* I'll take all of you on, somebody hit me, I dare you!
All: Fuck off!
Me: *drops nightstick* I'll hit you wi' or wi'out it!
*All walk briskly away*
I'll post pictures when I come across them. Or maybe not, if I can't.
Anyhow.
The previous weeks were spent collecting various animal (primarily squirrel) carcasses, and hiding them in the backyard in plastic bags (to prevent theft of our carcasses by other animals) for weeks, for the purpose of putrefaction, further collection, and mayhem-causing. One bagged squirrel-corpse was missing. But there was a fresh, un-decomposed one in it's place.
Whatever.
So, Tyler grabbed the bagged one and we set out on our first adventure.
Our goal was to just cause a bit of pointless mayhem and minor vandalism.
Tyler was equipped with a broom-handle, and I with an extendable (aluminum?) police-grade nightstick.
When we were stepping out of our driveway onto the sidewalk, this group of kids was walking towards us. Now me, always having to win sidewalk wars, didn't move for them. I pushed into one and I guess he had a problem with it.
Here's the kids "names" and their descriptions:
Guns - a blond-haired kid who thought he was big, who in reality, probably was bigger than me
Showboat - a four-eyed cretin with a propensity to boast
Fatty - a fat kid
Coolio - a kid who minded his own business
Girl - some girl who was with them
I'll recount the following exchange in play-form.
Keep in mind that I'm talking with a harsh British accent this whole time.
Guns: What the fuck is your problem, man?
Me: Whatwhat, you want some of this, chap?
Guns: Yeah, let's go!
Me: *extends nightstick* rightright!
Guns: Nevermind, that's probably real!
Me: You could bet your bottom dollar on it. You want none of this, I assure you!
Showboat: He would probably wreck you in a second, anyways.
Me: Oh, you'd wreck me, would you now, guns?
Guns: No, man, I don't want to fight you.
Me: What about you there, showboat, bragging and whatnot? You fancy yourself sommat strong, do you?
Showboat: What? No, not me, man, I'm a pussy!
Fatty: I'll fight you!
Tyler: Hold on, I gotta try to film this!
Coolio: How the fuck do you make the video function work on this thing, man?
Me: Let's have a go, then, fatty! *throws nightstick on ground*
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me*
Me: Step the fuck back, champ! *pushes fatty back*
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me again*
Me: Instead of trying to kiss me, why not hit me or something of the sort? *pushes fatty back*
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me again*
Me: Seems to me you've had a little too much of the forty-percent, best not to have a row in your state, rightright?
*Fatty gets uncomfortably close to me again*
Me: *pushes fatty back, fatty stumbles and loses his footing*
GunsORShowboatOrFatty (I can't remember which)
"Let's just go, guys. "
Me: *picks up nightstick* I'll take all of you on, somebody hit me, I dare you!
All: Fuck off!
Me: *drops nightstick* I'll hit you wi' or wi'out it!
*All walk briskly away*
Eric Harris-esque "your mother" jokes
Eric Harris is, more or less, a household name throughout the continental United States and Canada. If you don't know who he is, you've been living under a rock, or packing fudge. Or shoving rocks into your ass. Anyways, here's a link for the morons. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Harris_and_Dylan_Klebold
He was a fan of comedy, and here are some of his more memorable jokes - the page is titled "JO MAMMA!", and the jokes listed are quite humorous. My brother, Tyler, and I, are also fans of comedy - but not Eddie Murphy. So we decided to use Eric Harris' jokes as a "starting block", persay, but whiten it up a little bit. Like that Listerine with whitening shit. Here are the original, or "OG" jokes.
http://acolumbinesite.com/eric/mama.html
Here is a compounded list of our own.
The J is used to denote jokes made by myself, Justin.
The T does the same. Except the person in reference is Tyler.
If a J/T appears, those are jokes which were created by both participants.
Oh, and the A stands for Amander, Tyler's girlfriend.
Your mother is so fancy she uses accentey gous on "e"s that don't need accenty gous. - J
Your mother is so short that she needs to drink very small quantities of alcohol to feel it... Because she IS so short. - T
Your mother once caught a fish. - J
Your mother smokes cigarettes so often that she started ignoring the warning on the packages...Even though she knows the warning on the packages of cigarettes are for her own good... She ignores them... Because she likes smoking cigarettes... With warnings on the packages. - J
Your mother is so good at playing super smash bros. that she can beat three level nine donkey kongs sometimes... Because she plays super smash bros. so often. - T
Your mother is a history buff. - J
Your mother once made her young nephew watch Thomas the Tank Engine because the channel told her the series was "informational and educational"...And she thought your little cousin could use some more intelligence... Because he was three, and, like, stupid and stuff. - J
Your mother once pretended to jack off a can of Pepsi and then opened the tab and it sprayed foam everywhere... And it led the audience to the impression that your mother is good at giving hand jobs. - J
Your mother is such a pyromaniac that sometimes she plays with matches... And makes videos of them... And puts them on YouTube. -T
Your mother watches the discovery channel so much that she knows what scutum is. - T
Your mothers tendons are formed just right, so it seems that she has superhuman strength... When really she doesn't... She just has extra leverage... That other's don't. - T
Your mother is such a race traitor that she talked to a nigger at work once... And didn't even hate it. - T
Your mother was in karate when she was younger. - T
Your mother plays bass and is able to learn most songs by ear... Even really hard Necrophagist ones. - J
Your mother is so curious she inquired about your camping trip last week. - T
Your mother remembers the Pokedex so well that she knows the height and weight of Aerodactyl... Which is 5'11" and 130.1 lbs. - J/T
Your mother once googled her name... And she found out that there are famous people who share her name. - J
Your mother likes microphones so much that she talks into plastic bottles sometimes... And pretends that they are microphones. - T
Your mothers lattimus dorsi are so strong she can do lateral pulldowns very easily... With lots of weight. - T
Your mother wears sashes... And keeps her mana potions in them... And sometimes the red health potions... But only if she's running low on health. - J/T
Your mother was once possessed by satan, and I'm like "What's up baby?" and she's like ENNGHHHH in a demonic voice. - J
Your mother is so into Celtic culture that she got a Celtic tattoo. - T
Your mother thinks Mark Hamill, who played Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars series (1977-1983) is hot. - J
Your mother is so dirty that one time she tried to poo, but she couldnt... And she wiped anyway. -T
Your mother is such a pack-rat, that she collects nazi memorabilia... and coins! -T
Your mother read up on weird stuff that could happen to your asshole when you try to shit or fart... And then was terrified to shit or fart. - J
Your mother's pants are so old that she's starting to get crotch holes... In the crotch. And people do have sex with her... Because she's a whore. - T
Your mother can use both sets of vocal chords to speak. - J
Your mother makes a pretty mean rice cake. - T
Your mother likes Rock Band. - T
Your mother is so handy, that she can do drywall very well. -T
Your mother was up late one night huffing glue and passed out. When she awoke, she was bound by the feet. - J
Your mother is so lame that she watched Brokeback Mountain... Twice. - A
Your mother once said "once you go black, you never go back" before she fucked a black guy... And the experience was so terrible that she went back... To white guys. - J
Your mother likes Halloween so much, she dresses up for the occasion... even though shes at least 40 years old... and Halloween is for children -T
He was a fan of comedy, and here are some of his more memorable jokes - the page is titled "JO MAMMA!", and the jokes listed are quite humorous. My brother, Tyler, and I, are also fans of comedy - but not Eddie Murphy. So we decided to use Eric Harris' jokes as a "starting block", persay, but whiten it up a little bit. Like that Listerine with whitening shit. Here are the original, or "OG" jokes.
http://acolumbinesite.com/eric/mama.html
Here is a compounded list of our own.
The J is used to denote jokes made by myself, Justin.
The T does the same. Except the person in reference is Tyler.
If a J/T appears, those are jokes which were created by both participants.
Oh, and the A stands for Amander, Tyler's girlfriend.
Your mother is so fancy she uses accentey gous on "e"s that don't need accenty gous. - J
Your mother is so short that she needs to drink very small quantities of alcohol to feel it... Because she IS so short. - T
Your mother once caught a fish. - J
Your mother smokes cigarettes so often that she started ignoring the warning on the packages...Even though she knows the warning on the packages of cigarettes are for her own good... She ignores them... Because she likes smoking cigarettes... With warnings on the packages. - J
Your mother is so good at playing super smash bros. that she can beat three level nine donkey kongs sometimes... Because she plays super smash bros. so often. - T
Your mother is a history buff. - J
Your mother once made her young nephew watch Thomas the Tank Engine because the channel told her the series was "informational and educational"...And she thought your little cousin could use some more intelligence... Because he was three, and, like, stupid and stuff. - J
Your mother once pretended to jack off a can of Pepsi and then opened the tab and it sprayed foam everywhere... And it led the audience to the impression that your mother is good at giving hand jobs. - J
Your mother is such a pyromaniac that sometimes she plays with matches... And makes videos of them... And puts them on YouTube. -T
Your mother watches the discovery channel so much that she knows what scutum is. - T
Your mothers tendons are formed just right, so it seems that she has superhuman strength... When really she doesn't... She just has extra leverage... That other's don't. - T
Your mother is such a race traitor that she talked to a nigger at work once... And didn't even hate it. - T
Your mother was in karate when she was younger. - T
Your mother plays bass and is able to learn most songs by ear... Even really hard Necrophagist ones. - J
Your mother is so curious she inquired about your camping trip last week. - T
Your mother remembers the Pokedex so well that she knows the height and weight of Aerodactyl... Which is 5'11" and 130.1 lbs. - J/T
Your mother once googled her name... And she found out that there are famous people who share her name. - J
Your mother likes microphones so much that she talks into plastic bottles sometimes... And pretends that they are microphones. - T
Your mothers lattimus dorsi are so strong she can do lateral pulldowns very easily... With lots of weight. - T
Your mother wears sashes... And keeps her mana potions in them... And sometimes the red health potions... But only if she's running low on health. - J/T
Your mother was once possessed by satan, and I'm like "What's up baby?" and she's like ENNGHHHH in a demonic voice. - J
Your mother is so into Celtic culture that she got a Celtic tattoo. - T
Your mother thinks Mark Hamill, who played Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars series (1977-1983) is hot. - J
Your mother is so dirty that one time she tried to poo, but she couldnt... And she wiped anyway. -T
Your mother is such a pack-rat, that she collects nazi memorabilia... and coins! -T
Your mother read up on weird stuff that could happen to your asshole when you try to shit or fart... And then was terrified to shit or fart. - J
Your mother's pants are so old that she's starting to get crotch holes... In the crotch. And people do have sex with her... Because she's a whore. - T
Your mother can use both sets of vocal chords to speak. - J
Your mother makes a pretty mean rice cake. - T
Your mother likes Rock Band. - T
Your mother is so handy, that she can do drywall very well. -T
Your mother was up late one night huffing glue and passed out. When she awoke, she was bound by the feet. - J
Your mother is so lame that she watched Brokeback Mountain... Twice. - A
Your mother once said "once you go black, you never go back" before she fucked a black guy... And the experience was so terrible that she went back... To white guys. - J
Your mother likes Halloween so much, she dresses up for the occasion... even though shes at least 40 years old... and Halloween is for children -T
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